Let's make love not war

Have you ever been in a situation where two parties are just so angry/upset about something that seems so stupid and ridiculous that you feel embarrassed to tell others what you actually fought about?

Why does that happen?

Apparently two individuals fight because of the greatest gift of humanity: our ability to be different (also our greatest flaws). "In our minds, we are born to think that we are correct in whatever we say or do. This is also colloquially known as "pride". Of cos, no one can always be right about everything. Therefore, there will always be another contender. Naturally, our pride prevents us from admitting we are wrong, if indeed we are. As a result, conflicts arise as two people who believe or think differently about a subject cannot both be correct.

This leads us into an argument. The human mind is only capable of withstanding insults and attacks at our pride to a limit. When we are no longer able to hold it in, we lash out, believing wholeheartedly that we were wronged. In contrast, the "offender" would obviously think that they did nothing wrong, and that we lashed out for no reason. This again correlates to how the human mind is programmed to believe that we are always right and everyone else is wrong.

Heated arguments can sometimes lead into a fight. Similarly, heated fights can sometime evolve into a full-scale war."

Angry words can't be taken back and anger is simply wasted energy...

So how can we prevent it... apparently there's 10 ways to handle conflict:

1. Avoiding conflict all together
Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don't say anything to their partner until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. Avoiding an argument altogether usually causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.


2. Being Defensive
Rather than addressing a partner's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person's point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, "You always," and, "You never". Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don't bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity.

4. Being Right

It's damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don't demand that your partner see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there's not always a "right" or a "wrong," and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. "Psychoanalyzing"/Mind-Reading

Instead of asking about their partner's thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they "know" what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions--and always assume it's negative! This creates hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from an unique perspective, and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and let them explain where they are coming from.

6. Forgetting to Listen

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours!

7. Playing the Blame Game

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being "at fault."

8. Trying to "Win" the Argument

If people are focused on "winning" the argument, the relationship loses! If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

If anger is just a destructive emotion, let's grow, learn, forgive and forget... 

Just another piece of yesterday...

After a brief lunch, I'm all broken and shattered once again... It's almost like I've instantly forgottten what I've built, what made me happy and what was important to me... instantly everything that I've learnt didn't matter anymore and my peripheral vision has become my only vision... the flashbacks, the pain (oh the pain) just all rushed back and the tears shortly followed...

How many times can you break up with one person? How long does it take til I feel nothing and free?

 So at 5am in the morning, I looked up the break up rules (it's time for some action!)

Rule 1: The time it will take you to get over your relationship is equal to the total time you spent together
This rule sucks! But I suppose when you have endured/experienced so much, you can't expect to 'recover' after 2 weeks (I know some people do) and most people take a bit longer. 
The time rule is probably nature's way of making sure we don't put ourselves in the way of danger from opportunist, unsuitable lovers before we're emotionally equipped to deal with them. I know I don't want a rebound, an experience that's doomed to fail. Hopefully, the time I allow myself to heal will allow me not to make the same mistakes again.

Rule 2: Lie when necessary
They say the best revenge is to let them think you are happier without them no matter how much pain you are in. I am terrible at faking it and definitely require fine-tuning of my acting skills. 
"The fact that you're radiating happiness, even if you're feeling shattered inside, is the sort of news that travels back to your ex with gratifying speed. And, if you're up to it, dropping a few tantalising hints about your (fictional) gorgeous true love will add the finishing touch. There's nothing as effective as looking as though you're moving on...even when you aren't."

I'm not sure how this helps... but there has been a lot of rumours about this fictional gorgeous true love of mine... not sure what he looks like in real person though...

Rule 3: Avoid shopping
Apparently emotional shopping is bad (really? my credit card bill would have told me this)... Any major purchases should be avoided as this may lead to regret lateron. I haven't done so badly on this one, I still justify that every item I purpose is/was a necessity item


Rule 4: Think of your ex constantly
It is a fact that the minute that you stop thinking of them, is the most likely chance that they will appear. It would be the time when you decide to wear a jumper to love machine with minimal make up or the day you decided to go to work with unwashed hair and wearing flats. It is essential that you look drop-dead gorgeous at all times when you venture out... 


Rule 5: Don't go it alone
If anything I've learnt today is that no matter how embarrassing or weird or upset, we're lost if we don't confide in our friends. And I am grateful to have such amazing friends, I realized that I have an awesome foursom:
One would buy me a funny sad book trying to make me smile - initially I felt more like crying than anything else but it's the thought and gesture that I appreciated. And the book was funny later on.
One would listen to my profanities and allow me to rant as much as I could whilst feeding me chocolate. I loved the constantly agreement of what I was saying.
One would clear out her own problems and listen to everything I have to say and tell me that everything's going to be ok and let me know that I am loved.
The last but not least, one would help me to see things in a new perspective and made me understand what was said and why... and helped me to understand why I was angry or upset...

Without my friends, I don't think I could even get up this morning....

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”- Eat Pray Love

So I stay strong, for I am grateful for everything I have and I stay true and happy to myself... today, tomorrow and always...

Addictions

As I walk along Collins St, I see a business man in a suit who had his mobile phone wedged between his left ear and shoulder, his leather compendium held between his legs, his right hand holding a lighter trying to light the cigarette that he is sucking on. As I look at him trying to achieve what seems like the impossible (it almost looked like a circus act), I can’t stop to think – how bad is his addiction? Why is he so desperate for that nicotine hit right now? Why doesn’t he wait til the end of his phone call? Then it got me thinking… are we all addicted to something?

Addiction – as defined by Wikipedia: the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse consequences.

To the more common addictions, there are coffee addicts, sports addicts, sugar addicts, shopaholics, alcoholics and there are the more extreme ones such as the adrenalin addicts, the drug addicts, and sex addicts… No matter which addiction it is, isn’t it all the same? It is constantly on our mind, we are always thinking when’s the next hit/dose, and when we are not on it, we just want to get back on it…

What about the addictions that are less obvious to the naked eye such as relationship addicts, the love addicts, the attention addicts?

Relationship addicts: These are the people who can just constantly jump from one relationship to the other. They change partners as quick as Prada’s current collection. Before they have healed from the hurt from their previous relationship, they are already onto the next one, feeling all the happiness and joy of the relationship. I suppose we can all understand this addiction. Let’s face it, who doesn’t like company? I mean who actually prefers lonely nights and have no one to talk to?

Love addicts: These people are probably the worst, they are quite similar to the above addicts but they may not be in relationship for long and sometimes they are preserved as players. They seem to fall in love deeply and easily too. They are often the ones who pull out of a relationship quickly as well. They pull the ‘I love you’ stage quicker than anyone else and fall in love with someone else even faster. I suppose I can understand where they are coming from… I mean who doesn’t love the adrenalin of love?

Attention addicts: They feed off other’s validation of themselves. They constantly require to be praised and require to be the centre of attention. They hate non-acknowledgement of their existence. They love being loud or funny or in an outfit that definitely catches the eye. The funny thing, they are often attracted to someone who doesn’t pay them enough attention… but they do require a lot more attention on a daily basis when they are in a relationship. There is definitely a fine line between too much attention and too little (I mean the most attractive quality of all is dignity). I think there’s probably a bit of this category in everyone…

Addictions are dangerous, in the film ‘Shame’, it talks about the life of a sex addict. It depicts all the chaos, relationship break downs, and the pain and misery that his addiction causes in his life. The obsession and the constant craving that does not allow one to function normally or think normally on a daily basis.

Instead of substances or material goods, can we be addicted to a person? A person where we enjoy spending time with them so much that we become obsessed? We analysis their every word, we always know what they are doing, we are constantly in a struggle with ourselves about whether we should text them, whether we should call them and the question of: how do we make them like me more?

“In love relationships, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it's a common belief that a relationship without pain...is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop...and the “pain-pains” take over? Are we masochists or optimists, if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships... how do you know when enough is enough?”

Addictions - how many times do we sit there and think – what is wrong with us? Or how many times have we tried to quit and keep struggling to quit? Our body, our minds, our lives are so use to functioning this way, how does one stop?

According to science, we only require 14 days to form a habit… As such, I adopted a detox (or should I say a new way of living) for 14 days. It had a nice name to it: 14 days to the new you. In this detox, it introduces you a new way of living by introducing a new exercise regime, a new eating plan and most certainly a new way of living your life. The idea is to cleanse the toxins within you and cut the toxic relationships that surrounds you… How effective is it I hear you ask… Let me say Rome was definitely not built in a day. I struggled some days and get through some. Sure, I felt so much healthier but since coming off the detox, I’ve been drinking every day, my sugar intake has definitely increased (I have a valid reason, it was Easter). I have also taken some positive changes where I drink more water, I exercise that slightly more, and I choose the organic foods instead of processed. In the end of the day, I suppose I am better-off than prior to the detox. 

 That’s the thing about addictions, you can’t really stop in just one go… It takes a lot of practice, patience and perseverance to finally adjust to your new way of living. And one day without realizing it, you will feel… free.

What are the odds...

"Soulmate, two little words one big concept, a belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart and your dream house. All you have to do is find them, so, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soulmate? were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show called Happily ever after? And as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less? Soulmates... reality or torture device?"

As I lie in bed for another restless night, I start over thinking/analysing the events of my night... the new people i've met and the past that I can't seem to run away from. It has got me thinking... why are people so different? Why is that we all look so similar on the outside, yet we are completely different on the inside? Nature or nurture? (I'll leave this for a complete different entry) It has also got me thinking... what are the odds of us meeting new people and most importantly - our soulmate?

I'm not a mathematical person, but let's think about it. If you meet x number of people in your life time (life expectancy of 90) and then the odds of you falling in love with them and for them to love you back... and then you have factor in the ones that actually work out... And if you want to get married before 30 (biological clock ticking speak)... that means your odds are cut by one-third again... Pretty sure the number would be ever so close to 0...

So let's be more hopeful and think about dating. I read up the maths of dating... this is called the Barny Stinson "Formula for dating success"

So Barny worked in a telemarketing call centre and compared dating as the same logic...

In a call centre,  for every 100 numbers that are dialed, you would speak to 25 people.  Of those 25 people, 5 would be interested in whatever you were selling.  Of those 5 people, only 1 would buy what you were selling. 

So the formula is:
 [ (P x 0.25) 0.2 ]  / 5

What that says is this:  for each amount of new acquaintances you make (P), you will need to multiply by 25% for initial attraction (assuming that 1 in 4 people don't want to run screaming from you).  This may include exchanging contact information.  From that 25%, multiple by 0.2 to reduce that number to people that will show interest beyond the polite drunken number swap and agree to a date.  From that number, divide by 5 to get the number of people that would, statistically, enter into a relationship with you.  So, if we assume that P = 100, then on average, 25 people will exchange numbers; of those 25, 5 will agree to a date; of those 5, 1 will be your new girlfriend/boyfriend.


I am probably one of the most biggest love advocates/hopeless romantic individuals that hide their identity... The concept of love at first sight, soulmate, serendipty (ok i'll admit it, even prince charming) never seem unrealistic to me. We were always taught that we shouldn't settle for anyone less than 'the one'. We were always told that It is better to be alone than to be in bad company. We were always told about the exceptional stories of people meeting and falling in love... So should we believe the numbers or live in false hope?

Should love be book shelved in the genre of non-fiction or fantasy?... But if the odds are so futile, why are there so many people getting married and starting a new family everyday...?

The grief of the I do

I do…

3 letters, 2 little words, 1 big meaning…

But what does it mean:

A really expensive piece of jewelry?

Your financial wealth has substantially increased?

The end of lonely nights?

The joining of two families?

I suppose what it’s suppose to ultimately mean - to be with the person you love til death do you apart…

As I was one minute away from attending a wedding reception, I hear the news that my ex of 5 years got engaged. My friends all found out at the wedding ceremony which I didn’t attend. I went from chirpy, outgoing self to instant silence. It’s not that I’m surprised, I was shocked and I didn’t know how to respond to that… I allowed the roller coaster of emotions to hit me and I tried mask it with the over-the-top smiles and laughter.

As I arrived at the reception and see the man that I use to love so deeply, it seems like we are the perfect strangers now. During the 4 hours that I endured sitting on the same table. Our conversation only got as far as the standard: “hello, how are you?” The same conversation that I have with my building maintenance guy whenever I see him (I don’t even know his name)… How do you go from the status of a family member to the status of a building maintenance guy?

According to psychologists, there are 5 stages of grief and I observed myself going through each and one of them

1)   Denial

This is the inbuilt self defense mechanism that we all have when it comes to dealing with bad news. No! This cannot be! – I got through this stage pretty quickly by asking a few more friends to confirm the news.

2)   Anger

I suppose I was angry… I kept thinking to myself what an idiot he was - since when did lower your standards become an aim after a break up? I think by hating his decision - that was the anger within me. I did not believe they could be ‘in love’ (I still some what doubt it) and I suppose I was angry at him for not taking time to be in grief (like me!)

In this stage, you normally need to ask yourself who are you angry at? Am I angry at him for wanting to marry someone else? Am I angry at the girl for luring him to her? Am I angry at his parents for allowing this to happen when 6 months ago they told me they still wanted to see us get back together?

3)   Bargaining

I think this is the most embarrassing stage to admit to. This is the stage where I doubt why I broke up with him in the first place. I keep thinking maybe I should have tried harder. If I gave up my personality and changed all my values and who I aspire to be, then we can get back together. Maybe if I moved back to China and be a housewife that he always wanted, we can get back together. Maybe If I told him I accept all his flaws and I will be happy to get engaged/married immediately, he will leave that girl for me…?

This is probably the most difficult for me… and it quickly leaded to the next stage (and this is the worst).

4)   Depression

After the previous 3 stages, you start to realize it ‘really’ has come to an end, and we deal with depression. This was not easy as I was in front of over 100 people and many common friends. There were uni friends that I haven’t seen for a long time (many were engaged/married) and asked me where was my boyfriend. I responded by saying we broke up and answered a few more questions about my ex who was literally standing 2meters away.

This was hard. Whenever the live band came on and sang slow love songs, I desperately wanted to cry. I coped by distracting myself with avalanches of  texts to my friends for comfort. I also couldn’t let him see that I was upset so I laughed, sang and put on such a good show of how happy I am and how much I am enjoying myself. And whenever I heard a love song that reminded me of the time we shared, I would just walk outside and smoked outside by myself like I was some kind of addict (I actually had no desire to smoke but really needed the excuse).

It was only when at the end of ‘Jason Mraz - I’m yours’ and as the last words of the song “this is our fate” and the candle in front of me blew out… I knew that it is true… although he was sitting diagonally opposite me, we couldn’t be more distant in our separate worlds and maybe this is our fate…

5)   Acceptance

Some days I feel like I am at this stage and other day I feel like I’m just doing  the tango with the previous 4 stages. On the day when I found out his engagement, I reached this stage close to the end of the night. Like Nelson Mandela once said “resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping that it will kill your enemy”. That’s how I felt for most of the night. But I have come to the fact that people move on. I was the one who chose to walk out of his life, and I hurt him so badly. I remember when he told me about how hurt he was, how I shattered all his dreams and hope for the future, how the pain that he endured was beyond words, and how he lived in our apartment and everything reminded him of me… Why am I like this? He has finally found his joy and happiness and moved on from the pain and suffering… I should be happy for him! If I didn’t want to marry him, why should I be so selfish to not allow him to marry someone else?

At one stage, he was everything that I ever asked for and more. At some stages of our relationship, we were deeply in love beyond words can describe. “People change. Feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart”.

I suppose I’m just afraid… afraid to fall in love again, afraid to ‘grow apart’ again, afraid that perhaps I’ll never meet someone like him, afraid that perhaps no body would love me as much as he once did, afraid that I would never share that bond with someone. I suppose I was young and could do the whole ‘crazy stupid love’ thing, but now it’s almost like I am so jaded that I don’t even know what love is anymore…

I read up about this stage and it said: “believe it or not, at the end of all of this, you will eventually reach a day when you have accepted the situation. No matter how many times you passed back and forth between the stages listed above, you will one day find that those stages are finally done. You will think of your ex or even run into him or be friends with her again and you will no longer feel angry or sad. You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different or trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong. You will have accepted that things were the way they were, the situation ended as it did, you grew as a person and its all okay. It feels like you will never get to this as you go through the trauma of a breakup but eventually, believe it or not, if you’ve dealt properly with the other four stages of grief then you really will get to this one. Hang in there!”

Some things just need time… no one ever said it was going to be easy, but it will definitely be worth it… and perhaps some day… I will be the one to say I do… but until then I do wish him for the all the joy and happiness in the world…

It’s like that quote from the descendants: good bye my love, my friend, my pain, my joy…

I sent him a text the next day to congratulate him on his engagement… 

Something’s got to give

As I lie there 4am in the morning, it got me thinking, what does one give up for one’s career and for love? It’s almost like the theory, do you follow your head or your heart…

Once you have made the decision, there’s no turning back… because everything that you have given up; starts to walk out of your life. The things you never realized you had, the things you never thought you’d miss and the things that you never expected to happen… Almost instantly, you world has change so dramatically that you feel instantly lost. It’s like in the movies where there’s a short pause of darkness and time forwards to the next scene – the choice that you have made. And how is one to know when it is right or wrong? It is only after you have experienced the choice you have made that you realize what was more important to you and what did make you happy…

I was told to never regret anything, because the decision you made was once what you wanted at the time. You are living the life that you wanted so there shouldn’t be any regrets… non at all.

Life is a string of choices, one after another. Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes bad. Does our experiences help us to make better ones or do we just shelter and protect ourselves from the pain and from being hurt? Do we learn to shut people out and not opening our hearts… are we just becoming more cynical?

“when you are young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then you grow up and learn to be cautious, you could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net…

When did it stop being fun and start being scary? Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love or be who we are…”

They say that when you are unsure about a decision, toss a coin and when it’s spinning in the air, your heart will want it to land on a certain side. So regardless what the coin toss was, you already know your preference.

Do we just try to avoid making a choice because we are afraid? When it comes to the matters of the heart, do we avoid decisions so that we won’t experience what we have in the past? Do we avoid asking questions because we are afraid of rejection and disappointment?

In the end, how do we make the ‘perfect’ choice when it comes to deciding our ‘significant other half’? Don’t we all just want to have a deep connection with someone who makes us laugh? Someone who when you think about them, you can’t wipe the smile off your face? Someone that you feel like you can be yourself around… someone that makes you feel comfortable… someone that you don’t want to lose… And sometimes we make a choice because we want to perhaps grow it and see where this could all lead to… I mean if we don’t try, how do we know?

Does love conquer all?

I recently watched the movie ‘like crazy’ and in the movie, the main characters both broke others' hearts/tried to give up and eventually gave up so much of their own lives just to be with the one that they really love… is their choices/their actions like crazy? Does ‘love’ arouse us to be in the state of mental unsteadiness…? Are we irrational, illogical, chemically imbalanced, even considered mentally ill when we fall in love? If love was a health condition, why hasn’t a cure being formulated? What if there was a drug to cure heartache… or is that why clubs/bars/house parties in the suburbs are filled with singletons on substance/alcohol abuse to ‘cure’ their heartache/problems/worries? Is the temporary surge of endorphins, this chemical balancing act to allow you to be happy just for that little while, the solution to our problems?

Or are these just temporary escapes, short term anesthetics to allow us to run away from our problems and never really solving them? Or are we just utilizing our own built-in self-defense mechanism: denial. “Denial serves as a coping device; it provides a safe place to hide the bad news until we are able to face reality. It allows your mind to gradually accept the unacceptable and is, at times, a blessing.”

I suppose there’s never the perfect choice, nor is there a perfect answer. No matter which path we take, no matter who we choose, there’s always going to be two sides to a coin. After all, every decision we make - something’s got to give…