Let's make love not war

Have you ever been in a situation where two parties are just so angry/upset about something that seems so stupid and ridiculous that you feel embarrassed to tell others what you actually fought about?

Why does that happen?

Apparently two individuals fight because of the greatest gift of humanity: our ability to be different (also our greatest flaws). "In our minds, we are born to think that we are correct in whatever we say or do. This is also colloquially known as "pride". Of cos, no one can always be right about everything. Therefore, there will always be another contender. Naturally, our pride prevents us from admitting we are wrong, if indeed we are. As a result, conflicts arise as two people who believe or think differently about a subject cannot both be correct.

This leads us into an argument. The human mind is only capable of withstanding insults and attacks at our pride to a limit. When we are no longer able to hold it in, we lash out, believing wholeheartedly that we were wronged. In contrast, the "offender" would obviously think that they did nothing wrong, and that we lashed out for no reason. This again correlates to how the human mind is programmed to believe that we are always right and everyone else is wrong.

Heated arguments can sometimes lead into a fight. Similarly, heated fights can sometime evolve into a full-scale war."

Angry words can't be taken back and anger is simply wasted energy...

So how can we prevent it... apparently there's 10 ways to handle conflict:

1. Avoiding conflict all together
Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don't say anything to their partner until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. Avoiding an argument altogether usually causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.


2. Being Defensive
Rather than addressing a partner's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person's point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, "You always," and, "You never". Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don't bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity.

4. Being Right

It's damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don't demand that your partner see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there's not always a "right" or a "wrong," and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. "Psychoanalyzing"/Mind-Reading

Instead of asking about their partner's thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they "know" what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions--and always assume it's negative! This creates hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from an unique perspective, and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and let them explain where they are coming from.

6. Forgetting to Listen

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours!

7. Playing the Blame Game

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being "at fault."

8. Trying to "Win" the Argument

If people are focused on "winning" the argument, the relationship loses! If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

If anger is just a destructive emotion, let's grow, learn, forgive and forget...